June 17, 2013

Sanctifying Sunday Sabbatical and Sunday Best

Matt is back and in full action... 

I've been holding out.  Almost like the NBA lockout or the writers guild strike a few years back.... I think.  I was waiting for my HUGE fan base (there's only 2 and you'll have to read this whole thing to find out who it is) to rally behind me to just come out and post something, anything. It just didn't happen.  Then Kristin, way back when, called me over and said that some super popular girl from Camp Painting had given me a shout out because of my rarely found and unique dynamic mixture of prose, humor, and incredible insight. Well, that was the nail in the coffin.

So here goes an attempt at something...

My mother-in-law does this to me to all the time.  For example, a conversation will go something like this--

Sweet Mother-in-Law Gale: "Matt, couple of quick requests before our guests come for dinner."

Obedient Son-in Law Matt:  "Sure.  Whatever you need, just tell me."

Sweet Mother-in Law Gale with a little more seriousness in her voice:  "We have some really important people coming over, so please entertain us with some good humor, walk the line with your language and if you cross it just simply apologize for ill-humor and lack of poor judgement."

Internal Matt's thoughts: Well, that will be easy. As it is one of my trade marks and really draws the crowd in...

Sweet Mother-in-Law Gale: "Oh, and Matt, it seems as if you have been in a melancholic mood today.  Do you think you can snap out of it and just make us laugh and keep the conversation going. And by the way, the guy who wears the bow tie is a physicist.  Could you read up on something to have a conversation with him too?"

Favorite Son-in-Law Matt:  "Gale, I'll read up on some nano physics and the God particle- bet he doesn't know a Jesuit discovered it... most importantly, does bow tie guy drink whiskey?"

Sweet Mother-in-Law Gale: "Yes."

FlavaFlav Son-in-Law:  "I got this fo-sure.  (I used to hang out in the Bronx right across the street from the rapper with the huge clock around his neck and would yell up to his Penthouse, 'Yo, it's me, Brother Isaiah, let me in!'  His floor was way up there 45 floors or something.  I still hold to this day that if he did hear me he would have let me in." 

Favorite Son-in Law at the beginning of the dinner: "Great to meet everyone.  I have a question, does anyone know the difference between in-laws and out-laws?" DEAD silence.  I respond: "Well, out-laws are wanted!"

The response was weak at best, so I thought I would pull out another oldie but goodie.

Not so Favorite Son-in-Law or Husband at this time (I'm thinking, redemption time):  "Hey, does anyone know why it seems that husbands die before their wives?"  Now everyone thinks that we've moved from pathetic humor to a more substantial conversation.  There's serious discussion going on in the room: stress, poor eating habits, demands of providing for the family, genetics....  I finalized the conversation with a declarative statement: "It's simple, It's because they want to!"  SHINTO

Not so nice face from Mother-in-Law and the "you're not getting any dessert tonight" look from the ol' smokin' hot wifey, even if she has drank three bottles of skinny girl COSMOMARGARITAAAA.

BUT,  that's ok.  I'm still the favorite Son-in-Law, because there aren't any other son-in-laws in the family!  And Kristin is in this for LIFE.  It was a valid marriage, full knowledge and consent was present (maybe just a little coercion with my good looks), and it was with the absence of fear, ignorance, or violence- just a little bit of concupiscence.... that makes it like a good cocktail.  It was all good and neither of us are going anywhere.

So, that's the pressure.  It's like this girl from Camp Planet Smoothy put some huge pressure on me and shut me down.  Then another lady gave my wife one line comment out from NCR (thank the good Lord it wasn't NPR) and I didn't want to mess up their mojo- either of them....

I'm over it now after doing my link up with what I wore last week.  I've got more 5 favs to come and some "quick seven takes" too.

So, a super quick thought about Father's Day.  I think we should strike the Father's Day off the calendar for a few years until we men get our acts together.  If I hear Oprah say "crisis of manhood" one more time I'll scream.  But if I hear her say a "crisis of FATHERHOOD" then I yell, "ALLEILUYEAR!"

We should have two Mother's Days a year- the second on the kid's birthday.  It shouldn't be for the kid, it should be for the MOM!  She's the one who sacrificed her body for 9 months, went through excruciating pain (the whole birthing process is outrageous- I have a whole stash of smelling salts in my pocket and some hidden in my socks just in case I actually do hit the floor and can have easy access and not miss the birth of one of my children).  I'm mean, yeah it's beautiful in a really weird twisted way.  Beautiful after all the screaming, crying, and cursing stops AND all the nastiness all over the place cleaned up- then it's beautiful.

Let's not forget that mom won't sleep for another year while the wee little one cries, poops, eats (that's why I'm the National Male President of Le LECHE- I even have a bumper sticker that reads "Got Breast Milk?  Good, You'll get more SLEEP!"   Guys are honking at me giving me fake high fives all over the place.)

So, I'm back.  Two Mother's Days it is a year and I would like to thank my two faithful followers, Sarah Sahm and LeBron James.  I appreciate your support.


  1. Just what exactly was Matt drinking when he wrote this? So funny!

  2. I read ya faithfully...and this post cracked me up..especially at the "Got Breastmilk" bumper sticker..I think my husband wants one of those.

  3. Um, this was hysterical!!


Please leave a comment, I la la love to hear from you!